Following up on yesterday’s notes from Eugene as he wrote of what God might be calling him to, the then asked how he was to do this.
“How is one to proceed if one is to hope to arrive at this? Above all I must profoundly humiliate myself before God at finding myself so different from what I was once by his grace. Stand in confusion at having to renew myself and rebuild the edifice from the foundations, while I should be at the pinnacle, the apogee of my perfection, now that it is a question for me of answering the Master’s call, Ecce adsum, [translation = here I am] one ought to be able to say: Ecce adsum, ecce ego mitte me [translation = Here I am, send me]. But if my strength is diminished, if the salt has lost its savour, if the lamp no longer gives light, how may I answer with confidence the Master’s call? Lord, come to my aid; come yourself to help me: Deus in adjutorium meum intende, Domine ad adjuvandum me festina [translation = O God, come to my assistance, O Lord make haste to help me]. To you alone it belongs to give strength to my soul; you alone can renew in my depths the sacred fire of your love which must first enkindle fire in my heart, and then pour itself out by my ministry in the souls whom you want to confide in me: Spiritum rectum innova in visceribus meis [translation = Renew a right spirit within me].” (185:XV in Oblate Writings)
I truly think I understand. After all that Eugene had done. He was once full of fire with zeal and nothing was too difficult or strenuous for him. He was on fire with the Holy Spirit. Now he has matured, he’s faced his very real and human fears and was looking at how he could walk through them. It is a painful thing to realise one’s utter weakness – to be able only to ask God to hold for us for we are quite unable to do, think or say anything. It is then that we either turn away or say yes to whatever God is asking of us.
Not knowing, just sort of looking at how we can move forward. Only with the grace of God.
My own journey keeps changing and growing and it is all good. I am truly happy with all that God has given to me and all that God has asked of me. But there is still part of me that feels a little unsure of where to turn next – so much so that I must beg God in his tenderness to turn me in the direction he would have me be. Yes please Lord, renew a right spirit within me.