September 1835 finds Eugene moving closer to reconciliation with the Minister of Worship (French government official who worked with the King) and the King of France – even though he is not quite out of the woods. His first letter to the king was not accepted and the wording in his letter to the Minister of Worship was filled with wording which displayed an affected coldness. Eugene’s letter of September 14th to Fr. Tempier clearly showed his frustration with the entire mess.
“All the humiliations that are urged on me would serve no other purpose than to make me as vile in their eyes as I am hateful. Let my destiny be fulfilled. It will be as God wishes. […] As to the rest, have no regrets, their conduct is proof to me that they wouldn’t have done any more even if I had written as Guibert wants. Don’t be angry with me. Even if I wanted to go along with your views, I wouldn’t be able to put pen to paper. I have never known how to tell lies, it is impossible for me to say what I do not think. I could sign what someone else had phrased in such a way as to avoid lying, but I am not capable of searching out these crooked paths. I’m telling you this in all sincerity.” (542:VIII in Oblate Writings Letter To Father Tempier, at Marseille September 14, 1835 )
This letter saddens me a little for some reason. Again I see Eugene standing on the path to Golgotha, the Cross before him, almost in invitation. It appears to me that he is being asked to ‘let go’ of everything – this man who has already given his all for God and the Church. Has he fallen into a deep hole and found himself unable to get out of it?
I think for a moment of those in my life that I am struggling with, one friend in particular. My friend often sees things, sees life in a light that is different from mine, from my experiences, from my perspective. I get defensive, and see my friend as becoming more stubborn than I. My perceptions seem to leave no real openings for us to to come together.
How do I come to recognize that perhaps it is my perceptions that are holding me back? Do I have to be the ‘first to recognize this? Do I have to be the first to let go? Perhaps.
I do need to let go of this before it festers into something impossibly large and I need to not dwell on who is first to do anything. I just need to let go. I need to let go, forgive and allow God to heal me, and then to move on (not away). I cannot hold on to perceived hurts or struggles, letting them become buried deep in some corner of my heart. No burying of anything in the back field of my heart so that I can resurrect it at a later date. Total honesty with myself and God is necessary. This letting go is a freedom that I choose.