The past week I read Ron Rolheiser’s latest article titled “Our Daydreams”.  I felt like I’d been hit by a steamroller and am still feeling a little unsettled.

Recognizing myself in the 2nd type of daydreamer that Ron spoke of was fearful and freeing all in the same moment.  I should I suppose be embarrassed to admit it but that is not the case.  The very results of such daydreaming that Ron spoke of – I am sad to say that those too I am familiar with.

And I must admit that while I have tried to change my pattern and propensity for daydreaming with prayer I am not always successful even though the daydreaming no longer brings the type of inner satisfaction once provided to me.  It sounds much like an addiction doesn’t it?

My great secret uncovered and exposed to the light.  This was something that I never dared speak of.  I have found myself feeling sad and angry – mostly at myself – and fearful of what others upon reading this little admission will think.  As I write this my entire being is coiled as if to fend off an attack and yet most obviously, or at least according to Ron I am not alone in this.  I have to let it out if for no other reason than there must be others who like me feel a secret shame for what is completely natural and human.

I guess it is only with time that I will feel a little less vulnerable and a whole lot stronger.  I find myself oddly grateful.  Perhaps like Pierre Teilhard de Chardin who apparently also struggled in the same way as I, I too will be able to “to stand in the present moment without the need to escape into daydreams”.  That has long been one of my secret prayers to God.  For now it will be the task that I set before myself.

About Eleanor Rabnett

Oblate Associate
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