Last weekend we had that beautiful scripture reading from Samuel, where God calls to Samuel who does not know God’s voice. This followed by Psalm 40 where we sang “Here I am Lord, I come to do your will.” It’s been running through my mind off and on all week as I was walking or sitting on the bus, even in part during some of my daily reflection periods.
I think of how I hear God’s voice, how God speaks to me. Sometimes in prayer, sometimes in talking with another, sometimes during moments of quiet and reflection. And then I must discern (in itself an unending process), starting first in my heart, then moving back and forth with God and eventually with a trusted and intimate friend, someone who knows God and who knows me. There are periods of wonder and question before the glimmer of certainty and affirmation arrives. And woven in to all of that there is ‘letting go’ even though I do not know how to actually let go and at best I can only ask God to take it. From deep within me comes ‘knowing’, ‘recognizing’ and acceptance – all to an invitation that might have been written in the wind, so fluid and vague can it be.
This morning it has taken me more than four hours to come from my bed to being in this place – sick with no strength and unable to even get up and go to Mass. I feel that I am unable to do the will of God as I might think it to be. All that I can say with arms opened wide, asking to be picked up, all that I can say is; “Her I am Lord.”